Sept 11,2014

I noticed myself smoking more pot then usual. I like the high it gives me but I am consequently suffering from not being able to think clearly. Also, I found myself wanting to just smack my one and just enjoying it. Like, boom take that now let's fuck. Lol. I really love her but I have to be careful because I still don't know how she feels, if she feels at all. I'm sure she would at least try to be there for me if it mattered. Not that I really need anymore. I been on my own for 6 years. I just wanna be with her everyday.

Sept. 6th 2014

I always wondered to myself, did I screw up my ex girlfriends life? Is it because we lost our virginity together that she became such a fat slut? Probably. She really couldn't get enough of my penis... Even on her period. I wanted to stay on good terms with her but she faded away from me. I do try to talk to her but she will always answer and try to push me away. She wants me to hate her. I don't know why. She will always have a small piece of my heart ♥ but I can't be friends with her.

August 28th 2014

I know he is my friend and a close friend at that but he took my debit card and used it twice and put it back before I checked. Should I feel mad? Betrayed? All I actually feel is disappointed. I can't believe he would betray me like that and then lie about it. I heard him order the food and say my card number. And that's not the only time. He used it again in the morning. I guess I'm angry and I'll confront him about it later.

August 27th, 2014

I love her and I'm sure she knows. I wanna tell her everyday that I love her so much but I don't know for sure how to say it. Like " Sorry I broke your heart over and over and which you also broke mine but I'm crazy in love with you and I need you every minute of everyday..." I wonder how that would pan over. Probably not well. We broke eachothers hearts more then once and stuff. We are both bipolar, not so much alike, but we do have good sex. I wish i could talk to her more and know more about her but she doesn't open up.

August 22nd, 2014

If i ever came across someone who hit on my girlfriend or anything, I would walk up to them, look them in the eye, and say" If i ever hear that you have hit on my woman again... I will kill your family in front of you. I will rape your wife in front of you and your children. I will chop your children's limbs off and smack you with them. I will laugh as your family screams in torture and you will scream that your sorry and that it's your fault. This I will do to you and if you don't think I can, say something else to her. Please, because it's been forever since I killed someone... "

August 20th, 2014

I actually felt pretty good today. I gave myself a new hair style too to show my native American side but no one will see it that way. I stopped talking to Christina so much after her party, after I saw her with someone else. I promised myself I would not get jealous but I did anyway and punched a wall like crazy. Fucked up my hand but I should learn not to like or love people so much. It was just something new and will fade away forever. Me and her can be friends but that is all I want to be and I will never give into her again because I cannot be hurt again. I already find myself loosing my battle with insanity as I tried to kill myself 2 nights ago and my friend got upset with me and came and got me and I slept at his house. He told me that if he lost me that he would meet me in hell soon after to beat my ass, which basically says that he doesn't wanna be without me and he would miss me. Of course I know my family would miss me too but i think they would understand the pain I was in. I called Gemma over and over but she was sleeping so I don't blame her or want her to feel any part of guilty if I did not wake up. Hopefully everything will fall back into place and be normal Again. Though I think my mind likes the chaos in my life otherwise I would not continue to set myself up for it. Oh well. Gemma knows I love her but I just hope I am not wasting my time on getting attached to her again because I may not know fully how she feels. She never talks about it. Though I still hope she doesn't plan to do mind games with me like everyone else I know.

August 14th, 2014

Anger always leads to depression and man have I been angry and edgy today. I miss people and I can't see people. My life fucking sucks. I don't even have a friend to talk to about it. I been thinking about just ending my life and saying just screw everyone. No one would be there for me if I needed them because everyone is too concerned about their own lives. Fuck them all.