I actually felt pretty good today. I gave myself a new hair style too to show my native American side but no one will see it that way. I stopped talking to Christina so much after her party, after I saw her with someone else. I promised myself I would not get jealous but I did anyway and punched a wall like crazy. Fucked up my hand but I should learn not to like or love people so much. It was just something new and will fade away forever. Me and her can be friends but that is all I want to be and I will never give into her again because I cannot be hurt again. I already find myself loosing my battle with insanity as I tried to kill myself 2 nights ago and my friend got upset with me and came and got me and I slept at his house. He told me that if he lost me that he would meet me in hell soon after to beat my ass, which basically says that he doesn't wanna be without me and he would miss me. Of course I know my family would miss me too but i think they would understand the pain I was in. I called Gemma over and over but she was sleeping so I don't blame her or want her to feel any part of guilty if I did not wake up. Hopefully everything will fall back into place and be normal Again. Though I think my mind likes the chaos in my life otherwise I would not continue to set myself up for it. Oh well. Gemma knows I love her but I just hope I am not wasting my time on getting attached to her again because I may not know fully how she feels. She never talks about it. Though I still hope she doesn't plan to do mind games with me like everyone else I know.
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