July 24th 2014

I was supposed to see her tomorrow but she said she had to cancel. I think she is feeling guilty for having feelings for me and not her boyfriend and she wants to keep me at bay. Her boyfriend agreed to give her money to help her move into a place. She told me that me and her would chill move once she moved in but I don't thing we will. I'm sure she has some kind of feeling for him because she got emotional when he didn't reply to her messages all day. I'm probably just high hoping and I should know better by now to never hope for anything. I'm getting paid tomorrow so there's that. I told an old co worker that I would fish with her tomorrow if she wanted. I don't know what else to do. My mind says to not text her for a while and see if she will text me and if she does, it means she cares. Idk. I just know that I can't end up hurting myself again.

July 22nd, 2014

The return of the anxiety, and in full force. It's not good for my work. When I am working and the anxiety hits, it slows me down and makes me worry. I noticed it fading after 12 am but coming back around 4 am. This is not good and I need to find a cure for this asap

July 21th, 2014

I have become what I hate most and worst thing, I honestly don't care too much but I know it will eat at me. What I hate most is unfaithfulness, Untrustworthy, wrong. I had sex with someone who was with somebody. She doesn't like this person like she likes me, or so she told me, but I still had sex with her and stuff. And that does make me a bad person. I have become what I hate, what I plan against, what I have decided my life will be against. I have become the thing that must die. I have become my step-father.

July 20th, 2014

Even though I never want to experience it, I wonder what a person sees in a coma. Being locked inside your own world, seeing everything that has brought you fear, happiness, sexual enjoyment, and hatred all in an instant over and over again. Being locked inside your head, never to escape. What do you think it would feel like? Would you see your friends are a guide? Would you be put to the test to right your ultimate wrong in your head? Maybe you would see the future. Maybe you would see all what you will do wrong. Maybe you will see what you have to do. Maybe you will see what you have missed in your life. Maybe your subconscious mind will open up to you and if you ever awake, you will be better.

July 17th, 2014

I am not sure why I feel the way i do today. I noticed myself contemplating suicide again today noticing that my life is meaningless and pointless and I know that makes me weak but I am not sure what to do about it. I asked a friend for help but she had to sleep so I told her I would be ok. I notice myself spiraling out of control without a purpose. What is my life? A basic pay at a fast food restaurant so some bitch that's high can fill his tummy with fat cells until he pops. I am not sure I want to be on this earth anymore. Maybe I am just not in the spot I thought I would be in at this point in my life. I have no lover, no plan and I am in an endless pit of nothingness. Maybe I do have a purpose, I just don't know it yet or have been shown the way. Though, I am not sure the way i am headed is the right one but it is the only one in sight.

July 6th, 2014

Today I noticed my sick mind. There was a bug on the floor at work and he was crawling in water for his life. I kept putting water on him and crushing him with a bucket and watching him suffer. I did it for about 5 minutes until I came to my senses. I also had a fight with my soulmate today. I'm not sure if she feels the same way about me as I have felt about her for the longest time. Ever since I met her I loved her but she was wih someone else at the time. I told her that I will marry her but i am not sure if she believes it. I have no way of proving to her how serious I am unless I buy her a ring and call it square. I almost did a stalk tonight. I was so close to painting my shoes black and going but I decided I needed rest because I work the next 10 days. I really do love her alot but I have no way to prove to her. I wish she knew. Also, with the other girl, she now has a boyfriend and she told me she didnt wanna be friends anymore. She avoids me now but I still text her sometimes. She plays it off as she hates me but she told me she loves me. All I wanna be is friends with her but she just has strong feelings for me and can't accept it. I wish she did. I think I will buy a ring for my soulmate. I never see her anymore though but I want her to know how deeply I love her. I love her with all my heart and she will always have it.