August 28th 2014

I know he is my friend and a close friend at that but he took my debit card and used it twice and put it back before I checked. Should I feel mad? Betrayed? All I actually feel is disappointed. I can't believe he would betray me like that and then lie about it. I heard him order the food and say my card number. And that's not the only time. He used it again in the morning. I guess I'm angry and I'll confront him about it later.

August 27th, 2014

I love her and I'm sure she knows. I wanna tell her everyday that I love her so much but I don't know for sure how to say it. Like " Sorry I broke your heart over and over and which you also broke mine but I'm crazy in love with you and I need you every minute of everyday..." I wonder how that would pan over. Probably not well. We broke eachothers hearts more then once and stuff. We are both bipolar, not so much alike, but we do have good sex. I wish i could talk to her more and know more about her but she doesn't open up.

August 22nd, 2014

If i ever came across someone who hit on my girlfriend or anything, I would walk up to them, look them in the eye, and say" If i ever hear that you have hit on my woman again... I will kill your family in front of you. I will rape your wife in front of you and your children. I will chop your children's limbs off and smack you with them. I will laugh as your family screams in torture and you will scream that your sorry and that it's your fault. This I will do to you and if you don't think I can, say something else to her. Please, because it's been forever since I killed someone... "

August 20th, 2014

I actually felt pretty good today. I gave myself a new hair style too to show my native American side but no one will see it that way. I stopped talking to Christina so much after her party, after I saw her with someone else. I promised myself I would not get jealous but I did anyway and punched a wall like crazy. Fucked up my hand but I should learn not to like or love people so much. It was just something new and will fade away forever. Me and her can be friends but that is all I want to be and I will never give into her again because I cannot be hurt again. I already find myself loosing my battle with insanity as I tried to kill myself 2 nights ago and my friend got upset with me and came and got me and I slept at his house. He told me that if he lost me that he would meet me in hell soon after to beat my ass, which basically says that he doesn't wanna be without me and he would miss me. Of course I know my family would miss me too but i think they would understand the pain I was in. I called Gemma over and over but she was sleeping so I don't blame her or want her to feel any part of guilty if I did not wake up. Hopefully everything will fall back into place and be normal Again. Though I think my mind likes the chaos in my life otherwise I would not continue to set myself up for it. Oh well. Gemma knows I love her but I just hope I am not wasting my time on getting attached to her again because I may not know fully how she feels. She never talks about it. Though I still hope she doesn't plan to do mind games with me like everyone else I know.

August 14th, 2014

Anger always leads to depression and man have I been angry and edgy today. I miss people and I can't see people. My life fucking sucks. I don't even have a friend to talk to about it. I been thinking about just ending my life and saying just screw everyone. No one would be there for me if I needed them because everyone is too concerned about their own lives. Fuck them all.

August 12, 2014

I have been feeling really different the past couple of weeks. They say bipolar gets worse as you get older but what do they know. Christina can only be a friend. Gemma can be something more but she leaves me. She has a busy life and a child, she has baggage but I was always willing to accept it. She told me yesterday that she doesn't want another child and I guess after our traumatic experience, I can see why. Even though I have been having sex with someone else, I find myself slowly loosing interest in that person and my attention goes back to Gemma. Though I like Christina, I don't think me and her having sex will last much longer.

August 11, 2014

I really do get mixed signals from Christina but I guess that comes with her mental thing. She is also bipolar. Though, me and her are alot alike, i have started to notice differences. She tells me she isn't looking for anyone else to have sex with or anything but she doesn't wanna be in a relationship. She confuses me but I also agree that a relationship might not be a good idea. I actually like her as a person so that might not be good if we dated. On top of that, Gemma tells me she still loves me and stuff. What am I to do. I don't wanna turn Gemma away because I love her too. I guess its a different love now. She texted me alot last night. Every 5 seconds lol. Really wish I didn't work tonight. I miss them both but which do I miss more? I'll never know.

August 8th, 2014

I gotta say, after I get my nervous breakdown which happens once a week, I feel numb to everything. Like completely different. Not a care in the world about anything. I wish I could feel like that more often because it helps me be a better worker and everything. Today, I couldn't sleep because I ordered my new cell phone. The Samsung Galaxy S5 Sport. I'm actually waiting outside for it now, even though it probably wont be here for a long time. I don't care. I got all day. I haven't been able to sleep, or drink anything. I should probably shower too but what if the package comes while im in the shower and I can't get it? I'd be fucked. I better just stay right here. Besides, I don't work too late tonight so I'll be ok. I wonder if UPS has like a special GPS that labels all their stops by like town. I hope it comes soon because my current phone cannot charge anymore and it is only on like 5% right now. I have the processer down very low and everything is on power save mode. So, lets hope UPS gets here quick so I can finally relax. I made Christina Jealous of Gemma yesterday. She wouldn't even answer my phone call this morning. She told me that she wants me to only want her and thats it, no one else. Either she is very controling over this relationship we dont have or she is very very attatched to me. Lets hope she is just attatched. I am kinda attatched to her so, I see where she is coming from. Even though I keep convincing myself to not feel any pain from her, it is working too, I can't help but wonder what a relationship with her would be like, even though I really like her as a friend. I think I would miss her as a friend and if things didnt work out, I dont think we would have that friendship anymore. Even though I love her, I will stick to friendship I think. Well, I think thats enough blabbing for now.