July 20th, 2014

Even though I never want to experience it, I wonder what a person sees in a coma. Being locked inside your own world, seeing everything that has brought you fear, happiness, sexual enjoyment, and hatred all in an instant over and over again. Being locked inside your head, never to escape. What do you think it would feel like? Would you see your friends are a guide? Would you be put to the test to right your ultimate wrong in your head? Maybe you would see the future. Maybe you would see all what you will do wrong. Maybe you will see what you have to do. Maybe you will see what you have missed in your life. Maybe your subconscious mind will open up to you and if you ever awake, you will be better.

July 17th, 2014

I am not sure why I feel the way i do today. I noticed myself contemplating suicide again today noticing that my life is meaningless and pointless and I know that makes me weak but I am not sure what to do about it. I asked a friend for help but she had to sleep so I told her I would be ok. I notice myself spiraling out of control without a purpose. What is my life? A basic pay at a fast food restaurant so some bitch that's high can fill his tummy with fat cells until he pops. I am not sure I want to be on this earth anymore. Maybe I am just not in the spot I thought I would be in at this point in my life. I have no lover, no plan and I am in an endless pit of nothingness. Maybe I do have a purpose, I just don't know it yet or have been shown the way. Though, I am not sure the way i am headed is the right one but it is the only one in sight.

July 6th, 2014

Today I noticed my sick mind. There was a bug on the floor at work and he was crawling in water for his life. I kept putting water on him and crushing him with a bucket and watching him suffer. I did it for about 5 minutes until I came to my senses. I also had a fight with my soulmate today. I'm not sure if she feels the same way about me as I have felt about her for the longest time. Ever since I met her I loved her but she was wih someone else at the time. I told her that I will marry her but i am not sure if she believes it. I have no way of proving to her how serious I am unless I buy her a ring and call it square. I almost did a stalk tonight. I was so close to painting my shoes black and going but I decided I needed rest because I work the next 10 days. I really do love her alot but I have no way to prove to her. I wish she knew. Also, with the other girl, she now has a boyfriend and she told me she didnt wanna be friends anymore. She avoids me now but I still text her sometimes. She plays it off as she hates me but she told me she loves me. All I wanna be is friends with her but she just has strong feelings for me and can't accept it. I wish she did. I think I will buy a ring for my soulmate. I never see her anymore though but I want her to know how deeply I love her. I love her with all my heart and she will always have it.

June 22nd, 2014

I wish like hell it wouldn't hurt to see her with someone else but it did indeed hurt a little. I'm trying to go back with my actual true love because I miss her alot and I really don't want to lose her. I don't know how to prove to her that she is always the first choice. I have been in love with her for like ever. I would still even walk 20 miles if I had to to help her. I miss her very much. But there is a problem. She is seeing someone today. Honestly, she is what keeps me sane sometimes. I wonder if she will find out about that sex video...

june 20th 2014

Though I have been very weird feeling lately, it is because of the girl. I have also been late on rent for the first time because my bank account was closed and they had no way to pay me. But this girl, she shouldn't be the first thing on my mind right now but she is. Though, she is also seeing other guys at the same time so our relationship is usually friend based with sex. I promise to get an appartment with her in September, which would give me time to save up money to move in with her. I think it might be a bad idea in some ways but I also think it might be a good idea. She has actually admitted to me that she loved me so, i am not sure what to think. I am trying like hell to keep my guard up but I am easly conflicted. I may like her alot but she will be going to be spending time with another guy this weekend so, I am going to try to keep my feelings in check. She may not know how I truely feel but I think I am ok with that. The way she is, I think it would be best if we kept our relationship the way it was and if it ever did come down to the way that she didnt wanna be without me, we would take it from there but I am not sure I can see myself getting married to her but I know I can see a very good friendship between me and her because we think alot in the same ways. I am on the verge of getting kicked out of my current residence because I havent paid. Hopefully, she will wait for next friday when I do get paid and I wont be so stressed. Actually, I think that right now is the major part of my stress, but now since the money problem is gone, I believe my stress levels should lower. The only other thing that will cause me stress will be this girl but hopefully once I fix everything else, the stress from her wont feel so bad and I will be able to take it again. Lets just hope...

June 3rd 2014

So, that girl who likes me, well she has become very attached to me. I really don't mind because I really like her too but I'm scared that I will get attached too. I don't want her to fall head over heels for me though. Not yet anyway. She is a great girl. But I should at least keep my defences intact. She actually came to my job to see me. Now thats something. I was still punched in but because I got done early with what I had to do, I stood outside for like 30 minutes and talked to her. I rearranged my room today. I think it looks a little better. I will have to get a chair now though because my tv is too far from me. Not really sure what to do right now. I think maybe if she is gonna come over, I will have to shower and stuff. Well first, I should get food. Then shower because damn, I'm hungry.

June 1st 2014

It's weeks like last week that make me not want to be around people. My friends mom kept calling me and asking me to buy her drugs. Now keep in mind, I'm good friends with their family and his dad is also a good friend of mine. He has told me that she is a drug addict and she will try anything to get drugs. He told me that she was really bad about that stuff. He also told me that when he was younger, she would just leave him for a couple days and get drugged up, fucked by random men, and just get wasted and then come back when she needed a place to live. Now I gotta say, if that ain't love when you know she is doing all this shit, I don't know what love is. He would always take her in no matter what. But anyway, she kept calling me and texting me saying it's alright and I should get her pills. I told her no and that she would live. She told me that my friend usually goes and gets it for them. He is in Texas for the week with his uncle. So, I'm kinda not liking all what I hear about this family that I want to start a business with. It seems their life is revolving around pain pills and drugs and that isn't something I want to be into anymore. I mean, partying is OK but to do it everyday is too much.