Sept 11,2014

I noticed myself smoking more pot then usual. I like the high it gives me but I am consequently suffering from not being able to think clearly. Also, I found myself wanting to just smack my one and just enjoying it. Like, boom take that now let's fuck. Lol. I really love her but I have to be careful because I still don't know how she feels, if she feels at all. I'm sure she would at least try to be there for me if it mattered. Not that I really need anymore. I been on my own for 6 years. I just wanna be with her everyday.

Sept. 6th 2014

I always wondered to myself, did I screw up my ex girlfriends life? Is it because we lost our virginity together that she became such a fat slut? Probably. She really couldn't get enough of my penis... Even on her period. I wanted to stay on good terms with her but she faded away from me. I do try to talk to her but she will always answer and try to push me away. She wants me to hate her. I don't know why. She will always have a small piece of my heart ♥ but I can't be friends with her.

August 28th 2014

I know he is my friend and a close friend at that but he took my debit card and used it twice and put it back before I checked. Should I feel mad? Betrayed? All I actually feel is disappointed. I can't believe he would betray me like that and then lie about it. I heard him order the food and say my card number. And that's not the only time. He used it again in the morning. I guess I'm angry and I'll confront him about it later.

August 27th, 2014

I love her and I'm sure she knows. I wanna tell her everyday that I love her so much but I don't know for sure how to say it. Like " Sorry I broke your heart over and over and which you also broke mine but I'm crazy in love with you and I need you every minute of everyday..." I wonder how that would pan over. Probably not well. We broke eachothers hearts more then once and stuff. We are both bipolar, not so much alike, but we do have good sex. I wish i could talk to her more and know more about her but she doesn't open up.

August 22nd, 2014

If i ever came across someone who hit on my girlfriend or anything, I would walk up to them, look them in the eye, and say" If i ever hear that you have hit on my woman again... I will kill your family in front of you. I will rape your wife in front of you and your children. I will chop your children's limbs off and smack you with them. I will laugh as your family screams in torture and you will scream that your sorry and that it's your fault. This I will do to you and if you don't think I can, say something else to her. Please, because it's been forever since I killed someone... "

August 20th, 2014

I actually felt pretty good today. I gave myself a new hair style too to show my native American side but no one will see it that way. I stopped talking to Christina so much after her party, after I saw her with someone else. I promised myself I would not get jealous but I did anyway and punched a wall like crazy. Fucked up my hand but I should learn not to like or love people so much. It was just something new and will fade away forever. Me and her can be friends but that is all I want to be and I will never give into her again because I cannot be hurt again. I already find myself loosing my battle with insanity as I tried to kill myself 2 nights ago and my friend got upset with me and came and got me and I slept at his house. He told me that if he lost me that he would meet me in hell soon after to beat my ass, which basically says that he doesn't wanna be without me and he would miss me. Of course I know my family would miss me too but i think they would understand the pain I was in. I called Gemma over and over but she was sleeping so I don't blame her or want her to feel any part of guilty if I did not wake up. Hopefully everything will fall back into place and be normal Again. Though I think my mind likes the chaos in my life otherwise I would not continue to set myself up for it. Oh well. Gemma knows I love her but I just hope I am not wasting my time on getting attached to her again because I may not know fully how she feels. She never talks about it. Though I still hope she doesn't plan to do mind games with me like everyone else I know.

August 14th, 2014

Anger always leads to depression and man have I been angry and edgy today. I miss people and I can't see people. My life fucking sucks. I don't even have a friend to talk to about it. I been thinking about just ending my life and saying just screw everyone. No one would be there for me if I needed them because everyone is too concerned about their own lives. Fuck them all.

August 12, 2014

I have been feeling really different the past couple of weeks. They say bipolar gets worse as you get older but what do they know. Christina can only be a friend. Gemma can be something more but she leaves me. She has a busy life and a child, she has baggage but I was always willing to accept it. She told me yesterday that she doesn't want another child and I guess after our traumatic experience, I can see why. Even though I have been having sex with someone else, I find myself slowly loosing interest in that person and my attention goes back to Gemma. Though I like Christina, I don't think me and her having sex will last much longer.

August 11, 2014

I really do get mixed signals from Christina but I guess that comes with her mental thing. She is also bipolar. Though, me and her are alot alike, i have started to notice differences. She tells me she isn't looking for anyone else to have sex with or anything but she doesn't wanna be in a relationship. She confuses me but I also agree that a relationship might not be a good idea. I actually like her as a person so that might not be good if we dated. On top of that, Gemma tells me she still loves me and stuff. What am I to do. I don't wanna turn Gemma away because I love her too. I guess its a different love now. She texted me alot last night. Every 5 seconds lol. Really wish I didn't work tonight. I miss them both but which do I miss more? I'll never know.

August 8th, 2014

I gotta say, after I get my nervous breakdown which happens once a week, I feel numb to everything. Like completely different. Not a care in the world about anything. I wish I could feel like that more often because it helps me be a better worker and everything. Today, I couldn't sleep because I ordered my new cell phone. The Samsung Galaxy S5 Sport. I'm actually waiting outside for it now, even though it probably wont be here for a long time. I don't care. I got all day. I haven't been able to sleep, or drink anything. I should probably shower too but what if the package comes while im in the shower and I can't get it? I'd be fucked. I better just stay right here. Besides, I don't work too late tonight so I'll be ok. I wonder if UPS has like a special GPS that labels all their stops by like town. I hope it comes soon because my current phone cannot charge anymore and it is only on like 5% right now. I have the processer down very low and everything is on power save mode. So, lets hope UPS gets here quick so I can finally relax. I made Christina Jealous of Gemma yesterday. She wouldn't even answer my phone call this morning. She told me that she wants me to only want her and thats it, no one else. Either she is very controling over this relationship we dont have or she is very very attatched to me. Lets hope she is just attatched. I am kinda attatched to her so, I see where she is coming from. Even though I keep convincing myself to not feel any pain from her, it is working too, I can't help but wonder what a relationship with her would be like, even though I really like her as a friend. I think I would miss her as a friend and if things didnt work out, I dont think we would have that friendship anymore. Even though I love her, I will stick to friendship I think. Well, I think thats enough blabbing for now.

July 24th 2014

I was supposed to see her tomorrow but she said she had to cancel. I think she is feeling guilty for having feelings for me and not her boyfriend and she wants to keep me at bay. Her boyfriend agreed to give her money to help her move into a place. She told me that me and her would chill move once she moved in but I don't thing we will. I'm sure she has some kind of feeling for him because she got emotional when he didn't reply to her messages all day. I'm probably just high hoping and I should know better by now to never hope for anything. I'm getting paid tomorrow so there's that. I told an old co worker that I would fish with her tomorrow if she wanted. I don't know what else to do. My mind says to not text her for a while and see if she will text me and if she does, it means she cares. Idk. I just know that I can't end up hurting myself again.

July 22nd, 2014

The return of the anxiety, and in full force. It's not good for my work. When I am working and the anxiety hits, it slows me down and makes me worry. I noticed it fading after 12 am but coming back around 4 am. This is not good and I need to find a cure for this asap

July 21th, 2014

I have become what I hate most and worst thing, I honestly don't care too much but I know it will eat at me. What I hate most is unfaithfulness, Untrustworthy, wrong. I had sex with someone who was with somebody. She doesn't like this person like she likes me, or so she told me, but I still had sex with her and stuff. And that does make me a bad person. I have become what I hate, what I plan against, what I have decided my life will be against. I have become the thing that must die. I have become my step-father.

July 20th, 2014

Even though I never want to experience it, I wonder what a person sees in a coma. Being locked inside your own world, seeing everything that has brought you fear, happiness, sexual enjoyment, and hatred all in an instant over and over again. Being locked inside your head, never to escape. What do you think it would feel like? Would you see your friends are a guide? Would you be put to the test to right your ultimate wrong in your head? Maybe you would see the future. Maybe you would see all what you will do wrong. Maybe you will see what you have to do. Maybe you will see what you have missed in your life. Maybe your subconscious mind will open up to you and if you ever awake, you will be better.

July 17th, 2014

I am not sure why I feel the way i do today. I noticed myself contemplating suicide again today noticing that my life is meaningless and pointless and I know that makes me weak but I am not sure what to do about it. I asked a friend for help but she had to sleep so I told her I would be ok. I notice myself spiraling out of control without a purpose. What is my life? A basic pay at a fast food restaurant so some bitch that's high can fill his tummy with fat cells until he pops. I am not sure I want to be on this earth anymore. Maybe I am just not in the spot I thought I would be in at this point in my life. I have no lover, no plan and I am in an endless pit of nothingness. Maybe I do have a purpose, I just don't know it yet or have been shown the way. Though, I am not sure the way i am headed is the right one but it is the only one in sight.

July 6th, 2014

Today I noticed my sick mind. There was a bug on the floor at work and he was crawling in water for his life. I kept putting water on him and crushing him with a bucket and watching him suffer. I did it for about 5 minutes until I came to my senses. I also had a fight with my soulmate today. I'm not sure if she feels the same way about me as I have felt about her for the longest time. Ever since I met her I loved her but she was wih someone else at the time. I told her that I will marry her but i am not sure if she believes it. I have no way of proving to her how serious I am unless I buy her a ring and call it square. I almost did a stalk tonight. I was so close to painting my shoes black and going but I decided I needed rest because I work the next 10 days. I really do love her alot but I have no way to prove to her. I wish she knew. Also, with the other girl, she now has a boyfriend and she told me she didnt wanna be friends anymore. She avoids me now but I still text her sometimes. She plays it off as she hates me but she told me she loves me. All I wanna be is friends with her but she just has strong feelings for me and can't accept it. I wish she did. I think I will buy a ring for my soulmate. I never see her anymore though but I want her to know how deeply I love her. I love her with all my heart and she will always have it.

June 22nd, 2014

I wish like hell it wouldn't hurt to see her with someone else but it did indeed hurt a little. I'm trying to go back with my actual true love because I miss her alot and I really don't want to lose her. I don't know how to prove to her that she is always the first choice. I have been in love with her for like ever. I would still even walk 20 miles if I had to to help her. I miss her very much. But there is a problem. She is seeing someone today. Honestly, she is what keeps me sane sometimes. I wonder if she will find out about that sex video...

june 20th 2014

Though I have been very weird feeling lately, it is because of the girl. I have also been late on rent for the first time because my bank account was closed and they had no way to pay me. But this girl, she shouldn't be the first thing on my mind right now but she is. Though, she is also seeing other guys at the same time so our relationship is usually friend based with sex. I promise to get an appartment with her in September, which would give me time to save up money to move in with her. I think it might be a bad idea in some ways but I also think it might be a good idea. She has actually admitted to me that she loved me so, i am not sure what to think. I am trying like hell to keep my guard up but I am easly conflicted. I may like her alot but she will be going to be spending time with another guy this weekend so, I am going to try to keep my feelings in check. She may not know how I truely feel but I think I am ok with that. The way she is, I think it would be best if we kept our relationship the way it was and if it ever did come down to the way that she didnt wanna be without me, we would take it from there but I am not sure I can see myself getting married to her but I know I can see a very good friendship between me and her because we think alot in the same ways. I am on the verge of getting kicked out of my current residence because I havent paid. Hopefully, she will wait for next friday when I do get paid and I wont be so stressed. Actually, I think that right now is the major part of my stress, but now since the money problem is gone, I believe my stress levels should lower. The only other thing that will cause me stress will be this girl but hopefully once I fix everything else, the stress from her wont feel so bad and I will be able to take it again. Lets just hope...

June 3rd 2014

So, that girl who likes me, well she has become very attached to me. I really don't mind because I really like her too but I'm scared that I will get attached too. I don't want her to fall head over heels for me though. Not yet anyway. She is a great girl. But I should at least keep my defences intact. She actually came to my job to see me. Now thats something. I was still punched in but because I got done early with what I had to do, I stood outside for like 30 minutes and talked to her. I rearranged my room today. I think it looks a little better. I will have to get a chair now though because my tv is too far from me. Not really sure what to do right now. I think maybe if she is gonna come over, I will have to shower and stuff. Well first, I should get food. Then shower because damn, I'm hungry.

June 1st 2014

It's weeks like last week that make me not want to be around people. My friends mom kept calling me and asking me to buy her drugs. Now keep in mind, I'm good friends with their family and his dad is also a good friend of mine. He has told me that she is a drug addict and she will try anything to get drugs. He told me that she was really bad about that stuff. He also told me that when he was younger, she would just leave him for a couple days and get drugged up, fucked by random men, and just get wasted and then come back when she needed a place to live. Now I gotta say, if that ain't love when you know she is doing all this shit, I don't know what love is. He would always take her in no matter what. But anyway, she kept calling me and texting me saying it's alright and I should get her pills. I told her no and that she would live. She told me that my friend usually goes and gets it for them. He is in Texas for the week with his uncle. So, I'm kinda not liking all what I hear about this family that I want to start a business with. It seems their life is revolving around pain pills and drugs and that isn't something I want to be into anymore. I mean, partying is OK but to do it everyday is too much.

May 26th 2014

I bought a Tablet on Thursday. I won't get it until this Wednesday though because of the holiday. I have been talking to my friend about stalking a potential target. He told me it would take months to properly stalk a target to learn the moves and actions but I do not think it will take that long. I am thinking more about a few weeks. He said 8 months. His family also offered me a place to live in a year. Of course, I like living in my solitude but maybe I should live with him and his family. Speaking of which, I desperately need to start saving money and become financially stable. My bank account is currently overdrawn by 500 dollars, which is no Bueno. It gets worse everyday. I really have to plan shit out. I met a new girl. She is very interesting. I'm not sure if she is completely interested in me or if I am a fling. I usually am good at figuring things out but I don't think I can figure this one. Maybe I should just let everything play out and hope for the best. Yeah. I think I will do that.

May 21st 2014

I hate to say it but I like being in my solitude. Company in regulation is not something I genuinely like but I have to keep my face status with people so they continue to help me while I help them. I do not mind helping people who are good for it because they have helped me in the past. But company with people is like a disease. It starts out like nothing but then it starts to get you sick, sick of the people or person you are with and just like human antibodies, you will fight with the person and try to push them away. When people realize I will never push them away, I wonder if in turn they will just hate me.

May 9th, 2014

While watch TV today before work, I got the image of a crazy guy with a butcher apron on chopping up dead bodies. While he is chopping dead bodies, he is listening to classical music, dancing with his arms and hands, while his other non dead victims are tied up with their mouths covered trying to scream in horror. I'm thinking weather or not he had a mask on but I'm sure the victims could not see his face because facial expressions are not as scarey as not seeing them.

May 2nd, 2014

I remember back when I was small, I went to a street with my mom and friends of the family that was dedicated to Halloween. The street had people walking down it dressed in costumes trying to scare the people trick or treating. Almost every house was a haunted house walk through. And I remember walking through one house and totally loosing control and becoming scared for the rest of the night. The house was full of hidden Windows with people waiting to sneak out of the corner and scare you. The lights were like a faint green, neon red, and a flashing white light. And this one person in a Mike Myers masks totally scared the shit out of me and that was it for me. Everything that night from that point was scarey. The people standing in the trees peeking out in scream masks, the werewolf walking up and down the road staring at everyone.  I just lost it. And I remember this now because, from that day, I have never felt another fear. So if I ever find that fear again, I'll be sure to never let it go.

April 27th, 2014

I remember when I was little and my father was self destructing on drugs while he was selling them. I was going through some drawers and I found his will that he wrote and hid from me and my sister. I realized at that time, he was scared and accepted death even before his own family. I remember crying while reading it because it said that his belonging would be split between his children and that he loved them very much. I never did ask him yet why he would do the things he did while he was a child growing up. I have lately been doing a lot of drugs but I hope that I never turn out the way he did. I live on my own, I have a full time job and I think I'm doing good for myself. Though I still feel that ache of depression. But I'll power through it because I always do.

April 12, 2014

Well, I'm gonna be living on my own now by Wednesday. Maybe it's a good thing but maybe it's not. It will leave me with a lot of alone time to collect my thoughts and I don't know if that's smart but maybe it's the way things should be. I have been abusing pain killers lately and I've noticed that I like the way I feel but I'm very very angry on them and happy when I ain't on them. I probably will have to stop taking them if I wanna live my life not in prison. Me and a close friend of mine have decided to start a business in technology repair. I came up with amazing ideas. It's a good thing. I'm actually walking very close to the road right now hoping a car hits me and kills me but hey, we don't get what we wish for. Here's to a good year. It will either be very good or very bad.

March 28, 2014 2

I can't help but get a sexual thrill when I notice people I don't know are missing a significant other. I'm not sure why. Also, death, horror, and the like. Like, I wanna fucka zombie in a graveyard with dead bodies all around us with people crying and screaming is horror.

March 28, 2014

I haven't posted in a while. I have been on pain pills and I noticed that when I don't take them, I get depressed. Almost back to my old ways and feeling emotions again. I gotta get away from that. Emotions are always trouble. Just like finding out my most recent ex girlfriend, the one I will always be in love with, lied to me a million times. But maybe she didn't and I am supposed to believe what she says. She aborted my child but I guess it was my decision. Funny thing though, I haven't seen her since then and she has been distant and I am drawing conclusions that she never got it aborted and she is hiding a child from me. But what if she isn't? I'm also starting to think people at work are giving me the very easy road but do I deserve it? I show no affection to anyone but maybe that's my problem. While walking 7 miles home though, my mind does wander. Almost got into writing a long story. I probably will eventually write this story because it's a very awesome idea. These ideas always hit me so maybe I should write them down. Well I'm 24 years old now and maybe I should start being more adult about things and realizing that maybe I should focus on the things that make me feel good and not focus on rising above on the things that make me crazy. Good luck, I will tell myself as I remove the knife from my skin.

March 14 2014

A day after my birthday. I started researching what a serial killer would do. He would stalk either men or women to make sure that he was in control on them. He would silently and secretly watch them. And I wondered, do I do that to anyone? Well, the answer is yes. If I had to the chance to stalk people, I would and I would do it silently. Because I have done it before. And my fetish with legs, it explains it. If I was a serial killer, my targets would be young girls who would be walking around outside in shorts. After I rape them, I would kill them and dispose of the body's. I wonder if I would keep a souvenir. I don't know. But enough about my brain and my train of thought.

March 11, 2014

Thinking homicidal thoughts sometimes make me feel better. I guess it matters on who I am thinking about. I feel no mercy towards people. People will say thinks to make me feel bad but I just don't care. Like, a couple nights ago my friend from work asked if I could help him with the garbage. I told him I was busy. So he got all mad and told me that he doesn't need help the rest of the night and I should just do my own thing. So I said ok, dropped the garbage bags, and went back to dishes. Why should I care? Does it make me a bad person or a better one? To not feel the feelings of things when I should?  Honestly,  I do not care. I don't really care about anything. I turn my back on things i used to care about. The people always hurt you and the items aren't real. So why bother?

March 6th, 2014

When I see an attractive girl, I wonder to myself how can I get someone like that? I'm not a very good looking dude. My love of my life decided she didn't wanna marry me after our break. Also, I do feel my head spinning in aggressive thoughts more often. Maybe that's the cause of all my pain and crazy. That lust for women and to be with someone. Maybe I should not be with anyone. I wonder how all of this pain would have started. People are supposed to heal from a broken heart. All I did was adapt and embrace. I have tried going to mental clinics but they never help. I believe they just made me more crazy. I hung with people who really did have problems. I was locked with them. That probably changed my state of mind a little, locking me with people who have snapped. I snapped a long time ago. Probably about the time where my stepfather used to abuse me. He has no idea how much I want him dead or how much I think he should just disappear. If only he could just relive everything he did to me from my point of view. I wouldn't have to find pictures of him smiling. He would be dead. I would be the one smiling. Him dead would be a masterpiece.

March 4, 2014

Maybe I don't have a specific person out there for me. Maybe some people are just ment to wonder around without their mate or maybe their mate has already passed away. If you think about it, it makes sense. Death happens alot in this world and maybe people that don't have someone are just too late. I thought I found my someone. But that someone happened twice. Never a good ending. Luckily, I don't have to do anything about it. Karma kicked her ass and made her suffer. Her grandmother, who was close to the family, passed away. Ya know, I thought I was fucked up but who fucking laughs when you're breaking up with someone. I hope she gets in a car crash and fucking looses control of her legs. One can only wish, right? I mean, she is the first I had sex with and the first girl I kissed. She has gained a pot of weight lately. Maybe she will just explode. Who cares. Another thing that's been bothering me is, the more negative I feel about someone, the more worse things happen to them. For example, I hated this man. He was a drunk and he was abusive. Me and him got into a fist fight and I called the cops. He was banned from the house. Keep in mind, he is my friends stepfather. About 3 months after that fight, he got a blood clot in his leg and fell into a coma. He eventually died because his heart gave out. Another time, I noticed a white pregnant girl dating a black man. In my mind, they should not reproduce. Yes, have sex but don't reproduce. So, I said to myself, he should leave her. Well guess what happened, he got hit by a car. Died instantly. I also held resentment to a friend of mine. Anytime I feel angry towards him, bad things happen in his life. He got addicted to drugs and kicked out of his parents. I really don't know. But like, I should just start loving people. And for you people reading this, love me back or I may kill you. Another thing is this psychic thing I got going on. Like, I'll smell like wood burning, This happened last night, and I see there is a horrible explosion in New Jersey. I always feel something behind me and I see it move, and sometimes I feel like something is gonna happen. Funny thing, it always does. Something always happens...

1st post

This will be my first post into my twisted blog that I will soon write in almost everyday. As I lose sanity, my posts may become very wrong and sometimes threatening. This post is to warn the readers. What you read may disturb you and insult you. Be prepared...